Codependency

Codependency is a secular term that refers to a person who has a lack of personal identity. Therefore, he has an unhealthy dependency on people, accomplishments, or material things. He puts value on people and things because his own worth and value has not been established. This unhealthy dependency comes as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family where his personal uniqueness and significance was not recognized. In the book, Love is a Choice, on page 15, we read: “The codependent is bound and tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin. The ghost of our past – our nurturing years and the childhoods of our parents and their parents on back – wrap their eerie fingers around our present. Sometimes they whisper and sometimes they shout. The din can be helpful or damaging.”

A codependent person is bombarded with feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem due to his lack of identity. In Love is a Choice, on page 17, it says: “A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others. A codependent‘s happiness depends almost totally on what others do and think.” Codependency in its full definition is an addiction to people, behaviors, or things as one tries to find identity, their worth, and value to family or society as a whole. In an attempt to control interior feelings of worthlessness, a person may seek out connection with successful people or organizations. Connecting to a successful person or organization is an attempt to gain identity through the association. The problem with this is that true identity can only be recognized when we accept ourselves based on who we are to God, the one who created us. The creator of something is the only valid source to define what was created.

CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENTS

1. A person who becomes codependent out of a need for identity. Due to the lack of identity, the person becomes dependent on others to establish their worth by validating them.

2. A codependent person seeks to gain validation and acceptance by meeting the needs of others regardless of the demand.

3. The codependent usually has grown up in an unhealthy family environment where love and acceptance was not freely given.

4. The codependent is bound and often tormented by the lies he has believed about himself due the lack of acceptance of their family.

5. The codependent’s self-esteem (and frequently, maturity) is very low. Emotional pain has slowed down the maturing process.

6. A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on the acceptance of others.

7. A codependent’s need for acceptance will keep him tied to unhealthy relationships, many times going along with things he is not in agreement with and unable to say “no” to.

8. Many times a codependent lives in denial about how unhealthy his relationships are and ignores the warning signals.

9. A codependent may feel certain that only a person who needs him will accept him, so he stays in relationships with only needy people.

10.  A codependent will feel overly responsible for others.

11. A codependent has a need to be needed; this keeps him in relationships with others who have many struggles in life (usually someone with addictions).

12. As a child growing up, a codependent’s life is filled with extremes (all or nothing), so life as an adult is always in chaos.  A life of peace seems almost impossible.

Codependent Relationships

In a codependent relationship, one person attaches to another in an attempt to gain his identity. By being accepted by this person, he has come to believe that now he has an identity. But instead of gaining identity, he loses identity, and gets lost behind the other person. Then the issue the other person struggles with now becomes his.

Codependent Relationship     Healthy Relationship

Symptoms of codependent relationships:

 Lack of boundaries, can’t say “no”
 Not knowing where they end and the other begins
 One rescuing the other
 One fixing the other
 One controlling the other
 Lack of identity without the other
 One using the other
 One always taking and never giving
 One always giving and never receiving

The Trap

Any codependent relationship is a trap. Why? Because neither of the two people in the relationship are getting what they need. They are getting a tiny drop of love, just enough to stay in the relationship and hold on, hoping next week will be better. But next week is the same; nothing ever changes.

Steps out of Codependency:

1. Recognize: The first step to experience freedom from codependency is recognition. Break out of denial and face the truth. Learn to face reality, asks someone to help you look at your world objectively.

Recognize codependency by observing symptoms of unhealthy relationships. Recognize how unhealthy relationships have affected you. Recognize areas where you are minimizing problems or living in denial. 

2. Responsibility: The second step to freedom is to take responsibility for your healing. Who hurt you? Who rejected you? Who failed to recognize who you were?

If you are struggling with the need for acceptance, it may be because the need for acceptance was not adequately met in childhood. Acceptance is a very important need, and if it was not properly met during childhood, wounding occurred. Get healing for all wounding. Look at all relationships in the inventory. Are you receiving acceptance in these relationships?

3. Relationship Inventory: The third step is to take a relationship inventory to determine where there is an unhealthy dependency. Are you overlooking bad behavior out of your own need? Are you living in denial and not looking at the things you are not in agreement with but tolerate in order to be accepted by that person?

4. Reposition: Reposition yourself in truth… The truth of who you are in Christ.  If you are born again and have a relationship with Him, you are “accepted.” (Ephesians 1:6). 

This means you are accepted and acceptable to God. He accepts you because you are in Christ Jesus. You must now begin to walk in the truth of your identity as a son, not a slave.

5. Truth: Begin to live in the truth. Become completed by Christ (Ephesians 4:13), not through another person. Only through Christ can you be complete. Another person cannot complete you or define who you are. Who God says you are defines who you are. The more you spend time in prayer and the Word; you will become more complete in Him. You will hear what He says about you in His Word, and as you embrace the truth, it will define who you are.

Eph. 4: 13-15 Amp.  “(That it might develop) until we all attain oneness in the faith and in the comprehension of the (full and accurate) knowledge of the Son of God, that (we might arrive) at really mature manhood (the completeness of personality which is nothing less than the standard height of Christ’s own perfection), the measure of the stature of the fullness of the Christ and the completeness found in Him. So then, we may no longer be children, tossed (like ships) to and fro between chance and gusts of teaching and wavering with every changing wind of doctrine, (the prey of) the cunning and cleverness of unscrupulous men, (gamblers engaged) in every shifting form of trickery in inventing errors to mislead. Rather, let our lives lovingly express truth (in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, and living truly). Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, (even) Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

6. Boundaries: Break codependent relationships by living in truth and establishing healthy boundaries.

This is very hard if the codependent relationship has been established for a long period of time. Ask someone to support you as you began to make changes with unhealthy codependent relationships. See teaching on “Setting Healthy Boundaries”.

7. Speak the Truth: Begin speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Speak the truth of who you are and who you are not, and your personal convictions. As you speak this truth, you are establishing boundaries. You may also need to speak the truth about things you are not in agreement with. Many times in codependent relationships the truth is not spoken because of a need for acceptance. Speaking the truth applies to all areas where you have previously gone along with another person just to earn their acceptance. Learn to speak the truth in love by expressing your likes and dislikes, your thoughts and feelings, and your visions and dreams for the future. Learn to not be overly concerned with another’s response as they are getting used to your having an opinion and a voice.

8. Freedom: Codependency is broken over time as you are set free from the fear of rejection and are no longer controlled by what others think.

You will experience more and more freedom from rejection, and the fear of man will diminish. With this freedom you will gain more confidence to express ideas, thoughts and opinions. If someone does not agree with your ideas, you can be okay with it, and not view the lack of agreement as a rejection. You will experience the peace that comes from being accepted, complete, and secure in Christ and no longer dependent on others.

11 Corinthians 5:17 Amp.  “Therefore if any person is (ingrafted) in Christ he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old (previous moral and spiritual condition) has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!”

PRAYER FOR FREEDOM

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am so tired of struggling with the fear of rejection, and I come to You for freedom. 

Today, I choose to forgive all those who did not accept and validate me when I was younger. I forgive ___________and release all the anger and resentment I have held towards them.

I ask you to forgive me for my sinful response towards them.

I thank you, Lord Jesus, for being willing to go to the cross and experience this pain of rejection so that I could be set free from it.  You bore my pain and sorrow and provided the way for my healing and freedom.

Father, forgive me for accepting the lies of (rejection lies).  Forgive me for living in the fear that these lies are true.  I repent for seeking man’s approval and placing man’s opinion about me above Your Truth.

I come back into the safety of your Truth.  You said that I am fearfully and uniquely made.  I am accepted in the beloved.

Thank you, Father, for loving me and accepting me. Thank you, Jesus, for my freedom.

I declare that the power the enemy has had through these lies is broken. In Jesus name, I declare I am free from the fear of rejection.

I ask you to break the hold that this fear has had on me and break me free from codependency.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen