"Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children… And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him." Genesis 37:3-4

Have you ever experienced relationship problems with members of your family? It can be something as simple as a misunderstanding or as severe as the envy and jealousy that Joseph experienced. But, whatever it is simple or complex the answer is the same. The answer is to resolve the situation as soon as possible so that there is peace in the relationship again. We can learn from the account of Joseph, who was severely mistreated but chose the right response, he released his brothers and found forgiveness in his heart towards them. (Gen.50:15-20)

Look at your family relationships are they peaceful or painful? There is a vast difference between healthy and unhealthy families. The difference is very obvious, by observing the peace that is in the home. Peace in a home is a result of the personal relationship each one has with Christ and the way the family as a whole deals with conflict. Both healthy and unhealthy families have problems. A healthy family deals with problems as they arrive, while an unhealthy family just sweeps the problem under the rug.

This means in a healthy family when there is a problem and critical things are said it is addressed quickly, they are not just overlooked but addressed so forgiveness can occur. When hurtful words or actions are not dealt with the pain gets buried.

Buried pain may not surface for many years, and when it does it may even be in the form of sickness. A person who can face a situation and deal with it quickly will be much healthier than a person who does not know how to deal with problems properly.

Life is full of relationship problems and relationship problems are full of pain, it is all in how you deal with it, or your response that determines your health and quality of life. It is possible for a person who has had a life of hardship and suffering to still enjoy a life of peace and joy if they deal with the pain as they go.

If you had a hurtful situation that was never dealt with, the pain may still be affecting your life today. You may be in much need of healing and not even realize it. The sad thing is everyone around you knows it when they see you in an emotional rollercoaster with sudden outbursts of anger. Anger is an outward indicator of a serious lingering heart pain. Anger will usually surround a hidden pocket of pain that needs to be healed. The Psalmist David knew that when he sinned it was his heart that needed healing. He said, “Lord be merciful to me, heal my inner self (heart), for I have sinned against you.” Psalm 41:4 amp

We don’t hesitate to see a doctor when we have chest pain, but never give it a second thought when we explode at the least little thing. Like a dad who yells at the kids when they leave their skateboard in the driveway or a mom who screams when someone leaves clothes in the floor. “God knows the secrets of the heart” (Psalms 44:21), He knows what we have released and forgiven, and what we are still holding on to. It is those things we are still holding on to that causes the anger.

Your pain may be a result of your relationship with an angry father who blew up all the time. When one person in the family has an anger problem the whole family is affected. Outbursts of anger in a home by a father or a mother will have a lasting impact on the children and affect them for years. Hurtful things are said in the outburst but never resolved because everyone in the family walks around on eggshells afraid to say anything. The pain from living in this environment gets buried and forgotten until years later… all of a sudden you find yourself exploding just as your dad.

The pain from just one hurtful event can create many issues like anger, resentment and later bitterness. The pain that lingers from this event is a constant reminder that something is wrong much like a tooth ache. With a painful tooth you can not stop the pain by just brushing the surface you have to go to the root to eliminate the pain. Pain always lies below the surface and comes up when it is triggered. Again with a tooth you can activate a bad tooth just by eating something sweet. When the pain is triggered and activated it will hurt all day.

Mathew 18:7 says offenses will come, there is no way to avoid them, and the question is: how did you learn to deal with an offense? As a child if you learned how to deal with an offense properly you will be able to move past offenses quickly when they occur as an adult. All families face painful situations, but a healthy family deals with a problem as soon as it occurs. A dysfunctional family doesn’t know how to deal with pain so they minimize it or pretend it does not exist. Therefore, children leave the home without the understanding of how to deal with problems as they occur.

Maximize or Minimize
When painful situations have not been dealt with in the past, a similar present situation will appear bigger than it really is. It’s like someone just pushed a “maximize” button and everything gets bigger, including your response. The problem may be that when this happened in the past instead of dealing with it, you pushed the “minimize” to be dealt with later. The minimize button and the maximize button have one thing in common: they both give you an unrealistic view of the situation. Both are improper ways to deal with a situation. Neither approach is facing or dealing with the source of pain. This is the way some people learn how to avoid facing reality. Reality to them is too painful so they learn how to just minimize those things they don’t want to deal with.

What Triggers You?
Do you wonder why certain things trigger you or set you off? It could be that a hurt that has never been healed has now turned into bitterness. The present situation has now been invaded by hidden bitterness. Just because you pushed the minimize button and pretended it didn’t hurt does not mean the wound was healed. When a wound has not been healed over time the pain turns to anger and the anger turns to bitterness. Bitterness is like decay, it can stay buried for a long time and then all of the sudden it shows up. Heb 12:15, says when a root of bitterness springs forth it defiles many. The phrase “springs forth” indicates that the bitterness comes out all of the sudden when you least expect it.

Example:
Sandy was so excited about her new job. She was trying really hard to do everything just right for her new boss. But she had been hurt by her father who was a hard and harsh man that never affirmed her. The pain she had buried so long ago had never been healed, and now her pain had turned into anger and bitterness. When the boss did not notice and affirm Sandy’s accomplishments it triggered her pain. She first felt hurt and then anger at the new boss for not acknowledging her accomplishments. After all she had worked so hard on the project and had not received one word of gratitude. This simple lack of response from her boss led her to over-react and quit the new job. Even though the present situation was hurtful, the over-reaction could have been avoided. The over-reaction came because the pain of the past had magnified the present situation, causing Sandy to feel the same way she felt many years ago. Years ago she could not say or do anything but today she could and she did.

To find your own buried pain, think of one hurtful event and answer the following questions:

Do you still rehearse what you would like to say?
Do you make a point to avoid spending time with the one who hurt you?
Do you find it hard to trust others?
Do you find it hard to just be yourself?
Do you feel like you will never measure up?
Do you feel unappreciated?
Do you feel you are never heard?
Do you feel like no one appreciates all you do?

These feelings are real and indicate there is still pain lingering from an event that has never been healed. Pray the following prayer to heal your heart and restore the relationship.

Pray to Restore Family Relationships:

Written by Denise Boggs